I suppose that last post seemed a bit off the wall, and random. I guess I should explain myself, and my motivation for posting it, as well as explaining why it would have even a remote connection to the subject matter of this site. I've been trying to figure out how to answer this without sounding like a martyr or a Mother Theresa wannabe... I'm not sure it won't come off that way, but it sure isn't how I want this to sound... So here it goes:
Before I lost Alexis, I was just like anyone else. I felt sympathetic and empathetic in some cases, pretty ambiguous about others. I cared about things when it was 'convenient' and wrapped up inside myself when I didn't feel like dealing with other people's issues. I was a decent person, helpful etc... but I didn't feel EVERY.DAMN.THING. And I had a habit of dwelling on the injustices and BS, being pissed off about stupid shit, like rude people in line at the gas station, or idiots that didn't know how to drive. I wasted a lot of time being self-absorbed.
Then we lost Alexis and I just stopped feeling anything (except anger) for years. I stayed wrapped up in the world inside my head. I would see other people in need or in pain, and it just pissed me off.
Then came Terra, who, poor thing, became the only thing I cared about for a while. Still didn't care about others - the world and the people in it SUCKED. And as much as I love Terra, at first, she became the manifestation of my obsessive fears. So, lost the anger, traded it for fear.
Then we got pregnant with Nova. More fear.
Then they told us about his heart.
More fear, plus the return of anger.
Then I gave birth, and knew I better love this beautiful child while I could. I realized, in a tangible way, how short life is. How every single second counts.
Then we spent 4 months with him, appreciating him, and the relationship we had with him, and the relationships that grew with his doctors and nurses and the hundreds of people who came out in a million ways to support us. The nurses would give us free lunch passes and parking, the receptionist in the cardiac waiting room would bring us coffee, or random hugs or just a moment of undivided attention when we needed it most. His doctors and techs and nurses cried with us when things were bad, rejoiced with us when they were good. There were people who loved us, and who we adored, who we met only because of Nova.
We learned a lot about love and generosity and kindness thanks to Nova. Through him I rediscovered the real world and all the wonderful loving people in it.
Then he died. For 4 months and 4 days he lived to teach us what love is, to remind us what kindnesses exist in the world. When he died, I swore that I would never forget that lesson, and that I'd carry it on, and teach it to others, in his memory, to give his life meaning.
Every single thing that I experienced through his life and death changed me just a little. And I know that any little thing I do might just be the thing that changes the world for someone else.
Plus, when you've lost something(s) that means SO MUCH to you, there's a shift in your point of view, an audible 'click'.
I am incredibly grateful for all I have, and I know all too well that nothing I give away can compare to what I've already lost... So why wouldn't I give, if the thing I give, or the thing I do, might be the catalyst for that shift in someone else's perception.
I never realized until I lost Nova, how beautiful life and people can be. I just want to share that with other people, and the people who are hurting or in need are the ones that need most to recognize that beauty.
